The Short Stories

The idea occurred to both men at nearly the same time, but arose from entirely different circumstances.

     Abner Whitcomb had owned his farm for decades, but making a living growing corn and tobacco had become increasingly difficult. Abner wasn’t the smartest man around, and he was frequently described as a dim bulb by those who knew him. But his stubbornness, combined with dumb luck, had somehow kept the farm going through difficult times. Now, two years of drought had drastically cut back on his production and finances were tight. And although he was only a few years away from paying off the thirty-year mortgage, he had missed the last four installments and the representatives of the local bank that held the note were growing concerned. Abner desperately needed to figure out a way to generate additional income from the property, but was running out of ideas.

     Jack DeBrees had problems of a much different sort. Unlike Abner, Jack had plenty of money. He also had a wife with too much time on her hands. Jack’s successful business enterprises had taken much of his attention the past twenty years, and Ellen filled her days serving on various committees and heading up fundraisers in their hometown of Bristol, Connecticut. Now that he had sold two of his startup companies at a significant profit, cash was plentiful and Ellen was growing increasingly restless. She was tired of her usual routine, and her latest goal was to show her husband she could be just as successful in the business world as he had been.

     After several months of research, Ellen decided she wanted to own and operate a wedding venue. One could use the term “operate” very loosely, since she was more interested in owning it than actually taking care of all the details involved with running a business. Naturally, it fell on Jack to do the rest. Since barn venues had become extremely popular in recent years, he suggested that as an option and she quickly agreed. Once that decision had been made, the search began for the perfect property. Their realtor went to work and found several farms on the market, and Jack’s attorney vetted each one to make sure there were no zoning restrictions or other regulations that would prevent it from being used as they wished. In a short period of time they settled on a seventy-four-acre tract with an old farmhouse, a sturdy post-and-beam barn, and a magnificent view of the adjoining farmland.

     Meanwhile, Abner had settled on a similar plan for his property. The view was not quite as good as the farm the DeBrees had chosen, and his barn would require much more work to convert it into an acceptable setting for a reception. But the farm was already his, at least for the time being, so he did have that going for him. Besides, how hard could it be? He would do the work himself, and do it as inexpensively as possible.

     Under most circumstances both men would have stood a reasonable chance of success. But one underlying problem existed that would set off an unfortunate chain of events for both of them. The property that Jack DeBrees had purchased was immediately next door to the Abner Whitcomb farm.

The first setback for Abner came when he stopped by the Township office to pick up a building permit. He had already purchased the materials he would need, but failed to consider all the paperwork that would be required. As he waited in line for his application, he listened as the man in front of him spoke with the zoning officer and received his permit. Apparently, the man was also starting a wedding venue. As Jack turned to leave, Abner stopped him and extended his hand.

     “Hi there, my name is Abner Whitcomb.”

     “Jack Debrees. Pleasure to meet you.”

     “Say, I couldn’t help but overhear you’re opening a wedding venue,” Abner asked. “Where are you planning to do it?”

     As the two men discussed their plans and realized their competing ventures would be located next to each other, a look of concern spread over each of their faces.

     “Well,” said Jack, who never backed away from a good fight, “Mine will be up and running in a month or two. So, you’d better hurry.” He smiled disingenuously as he said it, and Abner began to fume. Although he had been short-changed when it came to intelligence, he had been given more than his share of temper.

     If Abner would have had the foresight to consult with an attorney, he would have learned that the property line between his farm and the Debrees property was also a zoning boundary. His farm was located within the Conservation Zone, which did not allow wedding venues as a permitted use, while the seventy-four acres purchased by Jack was zoned Agricultural. And while the Agricultural zone did not specifically allow wedding venues either, Jack’s attorney had advised him to apply for a farm-based agricultural support business since the food served at the receptions would include organic vegetables grown on the property. When the Zoning Officer reviewed the application, he paused momentarily to contemplate its validity, then shrugged his shoulders and stamped it “Approved”.

     When Abner approached the front desk to discuss his own project, however, he was told that a variance was needed before a building permit could be issued. The zoning officer put away the building permit application he had just laid on the counter and slid a zoning variance application in its place. He also suggested that Abner hire an attorney to represent his case, but Abner never had much use for them and was sure he could handle it on his own.

     The construction of the Debrees Farm venue proceeded quickly, while Abner waited impatiently for the required thirty days to pass from the time his variance request was properly advertised in the local paper until his hearing could take place. The Zoning Hearing Board met on the second Thursday of each month, and when the date finally arrived Abner waited nervously for his chance to speak. Jack Debrees was also there, sitting in the audience with a slight smirk on his face.

     The Township Solicitor informed the audience about the procedures that must be followed for the Board to consider a variance, and the Chairman began the hearing. After being sworn in, Abner approached the Board to present his request. Everything appeared to be going smoothly, until the Chairman asked what Abner’s hardship was for requesting the variance.

     “I’m not sure what that means,” he replied.

     “In order for the Board to act favorably on your request, you need to demonstrate that there are extenuating circumstances involved that would warrant approval of a variance.”

     Abner fumbled around for an appropriate answer, but could only come up with, “Well, it’s my land and I should be able to do what I want with it.”

     Next, Jack Debrees, who had been granted party status since his property adjoined the farm in question, took the stand. He had been expertly coached by his attorney, and proceeded to inform the board that there was no hardship on the part of Mr. Whitcomb since he could continue to use his property as a farm under the current regulations. He also testified that the Township Zoning Ordinance allowed wedding venues in several other zoning districts, and if the elected officials felt it was an appropriate use for the Conservation District they would have included that provision when the ordinance was originally drafted. When the testimony was officially closed, the Board saw no other choice but to deny Abner’s request. It did so by a unanimous vote of 5-0.

     The following day, Jack made another decision that would further infuriate Abner and ultimately bring their disagreement to a head. It was important for any wedding venue to include an outdoor chapel that could be used in good weather, and the spot Jack had originally considered for that purpose sat at the high point of the farm overlooking the Whitcomb property. Since it was located in close proximity to the property line, however, Jack had some reservations and was planning to locate it elsewhere. But now, emboldened by the previous evening’s victory, he informed the contractor that it would be placed at the original location. Since he was now assured that Abner’s property would remain a working farm and not be developed as a competing wedding venue, he intended to take full advantage of the expansive view of the fields. The tall corn would also provide a nice backdrop for the altar during the summer months.

     Later that day, when work began on the stone altar and rustic wooden arbor, Abner could be seen walking along the edge of his field approaching the outdoor chapel area. Jack walked over to meet him.

     “So, you’re going to put the chapel up against my property?” Abner asked.

     “You bet I am,” answered Jack. “It’s the best spot for it.”

     “I think you should move it.”

     “Really? Well, I think you should carry a plant around.”

     “What for?” asked Abner.

     “To replace the oxygen you waste,” replied Jack, slapping his leg and laughing.

     Abner failed to see the humor in this and, being outmatched in the wits department, turned away angrily and began the long walk back to his house. Jack continued to chuckle as he watched Abner’s figure grow smaller in the distance. The work on the venue was completed soon afterwards, and this brief meeting would be the last the two would see of each other until the first wedding was held at the Debrees Farm.

     The young couple to be married that day had taken a risk making their reservations long before the venue was completed, but were assured by Jack and Ellen that it would exceed their expectations. As they inspected the outdoor chapel and the barn’s reception area the evening before the wedding, they were convinced they had made the right decision. It was perfect.

     The next day the Debrees Farm was buzzing with excitement as final preparations were made. Flowers were strung from the arbor and Ellen hurried about straightening the rows of chairs for the ceremony. The sound system was tested and performed flawlessly. Champagne was put on ice, and the aroma of grass-fed beef and organic vegetables being prepared for the reception wafted through the barn. It would be a day to remember.

     At 1:00 in the afternoon the wedding ceremony was about to start, and Abner Whitcomb sat on his front porch looking towards the Debrees Farm. He was still upset, and couldn’t let go of the fact that he had been bested by Jack. There must be something he could do. And suddenly, in a rare moment of genius, Abner knew how he would exact his revenge. As the wedding processional began and the sounds of Johann Pachelbal’s “Canon in D” drifted across the fields, Abner walked slowly and confidently towards his barn. He climbed aboard his tractor and cranked the engine.

     Twenty minutes later, the minister concluded his brief message and began the exchange of vows as Abner’s tractor turned to begin its run along the property line separating the two farms. Abner was still well out of sight of Jack Debrees, who stood behind the last row of chairs watching the ceremony and congratulating himself on yet another successful venture. But it wasn’t long before Jack could hear the faint sound of a tractor approaching. How odd, he thought, because the corn in the adjacent fields had been planted months ago and it would be several more weeks until it was ready to harvest. What on earth could Abner be doing?

     As the minister spoke the words “If anyone here today can show just cause why this couple may not be lawfully wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace”, the tractor crested a small hill near the altar, trampling the corn in its path. As it approached, the guests could see it was pulling a large piece of equipment. Most of them, being from the city, were completely unaware of its purpose until it was too late. When Abner passed directly behind the altar, he threw the power lever to engage the manure spreader.

     The mixture contained in the spreader wasn’t just your typical manure, which would have been bad enough. It was a highly liquefied batch of pig manure that had been festering in Abner’s lagoon, and the smell was nauseating. The machinery kicked into gear and the first of the projectiles hit the minister in the back of the head and splashed onto the bride’s white gown. Within seconds, thick torrents of the brown liquid splattered the entire wedding party as they turned to run. The wall of spray reached deep into the crowd of guests and, moments later, dozens were retching from the smell. By all accounts, the day was a complete disaster.

     It would be the first and the last wedding held at the Debrees Farm. Word of the events that transpired that day spread quickly on social media and negative reviews for the venue piled up. A short while later Jack and Ellen decided to sell the property at a substantial loss. Abner, on the other hand, found that his luck had returned. His corn and tobacco yields set record highs that season, and the following years also proved to be highly profitable. His farm, as well as his dignity, had been preserved.

Copyright © 2019 by James V. Boyer

Cover photo by Dave Stoltzfus

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